It's Like Fantastic But Rap

I'd never heard a podcast before I stumbled upon Lady Raptastic in the delicious/rancid fruit smoothie that is the internet. A podcast, to clarify, is a basically something like a radio show for the internet, usually downloaded on iTunes and "broadcasted" to your iPod. If this sounds boring, it's because it usually is. But behold, there is a bright light in the podcastosphere, in the form of Lady Raptastic, an aspiring female rapper making do on odd jobs and dealing with the racism around her. And yet, she manages to make this not only a little funny, but a lot funny! Her show is jam packed with skewed views on pop culture (she recently started a campaign to elect "Barack Bin Laden,") complex anecdotes, and just sheer awesomeness. With each episode clocking in at around thirty minutes, her show is the perfect antidote for long road trips and bad days, and I promise, it's really funny! So make sure you listen and subscribe! And, here's the best part, I got the pleasure of asking her some questions on Britney, summer jams, and monkey suicide (just a note:her answers may be a little objectional) and they can be found by clicking once again on the post title...

1.First things first. What are you wearing?
I like to call it my "hown." It's a gown I wear only in the house. It's a large piece of cloth a folded in half, cut a head-hold in the fold, and wear much like a mexican wears a poncho. No bra, no underwear, no deoderant, no elbow pads, Just letting everything fall and droop freely, the way the lord Jesus God intended them to droop. My breasts is big, please.


2.Do you plan anything for your podcasts, or is it just totally improvised?
I have to do research in a dictionary to find the "Word of the Day." That is the most boring part of pre-show preparation, please. Um, other than that, I record it and throw it out to people. I am no longer concerned with quality in general ever since I lost my record deal a couple years back.


3.What are your tips for monkey suicide prevention?
Don't have no monkey babies, there won't be no monkey deaths. And keep them in straight jackets might work. Or just go ahead and kill the ones that look crazy.


4.You're an amazing rapper. Do you think the fact that you're not signed is racism or sexism?
The reason I am not signed is because back in the day, I had a bad attitude and made several people angry (Teddy Pendagrass, Clive Davis to name two). They was all ready to release my first few singles, but backed out when I kicked them in they black nuts at the single release party held at the club in my neighborhood (which I insisted on, please) because I thought they was in cahoots to rape my mother. I had seen a couple pieces of proof that are now gone, unfortunately. And my friends all said the two of them (Teddy and Clive) had "rape eyes" when they was talking to my Momma. The club was called "Mooch," but now it's a tire repair shop.


5.What's your song of the summer?
I cannot get into none of these summer jams. I am still lost in 2005: "We Belong Together" and "Lady Lumps." Call me old school.


6.Are you planning anything exciting for your 100th episode?
It would be exciting if I even MADE episode 100. Shoot. I am lazy, please. You do not know what it's like to be black, so don't try.


7.I love Hidia Roach! Will she be making any more appearances in the future?
I wouldn't mind having her back on the show. She certainly made a scene. I got about 65 emails about her, all from lawyers. They all backed down eventually (they heard about my Pendagrass/Davis incident).


8.If you could meet anyone right now, who would it be?
Solange Knowles. I think she is going ot blow up. I am not even kidding. She is the ugly one, of course. But, she co-opting Amy Whinehouse shit and she hot so she'll do very well. She gonna do Whinehouse right. Bring back that 60s shit. I want to meet her and maybe ask her for some money and slip her my rap demo. It's a new single I've been working on called "Get Yo Nuts Out My Teeth." You know even though I gave up rap to pursue podcasting full-time, I still dabble-dibble in the art form every now and then, please.



9. Are you supportive of the Britney comeback?
Yes. We need one more white person making money by copying black people.

10.Describe a typical day in your life.
Wake up. Cry. Eat a Oreo bag. Do my leg lifts in the bathroom. Shower. Put on my hown. Eat another Oreo bag. Watch Regis and Kelly (the two white people in this world I can deal with). Check email on my neighbor's laptop. Make my calls to my unemployment office. Put on a tube dress and boots. Walk to the bus stop and go to my friend Pauline's house to clean. (I am her maid). Come home 14 hours later. Go to bed. Wake up. Cry. Be black.


11.Thank you Lady Raptastic! You're a strong black woman and my personal role model.
Everybody say that and I am starting to believe it. I guess I do make good decisions and have made a life for myself other would envy. So, I am proud to be yo role model. And the role model of others.